How to learn to say no

Of course, it's easy to be kind and responsive man, but sometimes we help people simply because we cannot refuse. Fear of resentment and tension in relationship makes us go to your own victims to the detriment of yourself.

Surely you noticed or your close strange inexplicable behavior in some situations. A person agrees to your request, and then remunements in lies to not do the promised. It happens, because many people can not say "no" clearly and clearly without a feeling of shame, they are much easier to apologize to them and say that they did not succeed, but they tried very much.
If you are asked about something in the first place, you think, how to react to your failure to you with a person close to you and will not refuse to you in response to your request. I do not want to be sent ungrateful, and you are not concessions, even when such help you don't like it at all and is not included in your plans. As a result, your loved ones believe that it is not difficult for you to give up, because you agreed, and you, trying to hide discontent, only aggravate relationships and becoming irritable.

Causes of trouble free

The inability to refuse may be caused by the following very common causes:
1. Resentment and malice. In many cases, we cannot respond as a refusal due to the fact that people who appeal to help have a habit of offended or angry, if something is not in their rules.
2. Poor attitude. Before refusing, we always think about whether we will also love others, if we do not go about them, because no one loves when they do not agree with them.
3. Roughness. Very often, people consider refusing as a manifestation of rudeness and disrespect, so in order not to seem like impressive, we agree to requests to the detriment of their desires.
4. Request in response to the request. Many believe that if you once appealed for help, now you just do not have the right to refuse and are a kind of debtor for loved ones.
5. Long sense. In addition to the possibility of resentment, when refusing, we feel what they did wrong, as they should be responsive to the requests of people even to the detriment of their interests, so as not to hear egoistically.

Root problems and refusal benefit

Psychologists argue that all human problems in society originate from childhood. If in childhood they did not often praise you, and on the contrary, they put in an example of others, then, most likely, the main reason for reliability is a low self-esteem and the desire to hear from the loved ones and friends of gratitude. However, a person who can not say "no" to the detriment of himself, does not cause any respect.
If you cannot estimate your time and interests, no one else will respect you more, because it will be much more convenient to use the services of a person who wants to sacrifice themselves. The more often you agree to your will, the more difficult it is to refuse and force themselves to respect themselves. First of all, it is necessary to understand that reliability does not lead to an equivalent healthy relationship, simply will contact you if necessary.
A person needs to be moderately selfish towards himself and understand when some requests are touched by personal interests. Any help should be a kind of mutually beneficial according to the scheme "You - I am me", which means healthy thanks. If there is no such answer to your help, then it is worth considering your consent to the request that is expected.

Manipulators

All aspecting people can share for two types are active and passive interlocutors. The first petitioners require your consent and when refusing can accuse you or threaten, and the second try to ask for a feeling of pity and humanity. There are several main techniques for efficient manipulation at a request for obtaining consent:
1. Surprise. Call excitement, shock and confuse the interlocutor so that he can forget about his interests.
2. Speed. Information and the essence of the problem is set in confidently, quickly and not quite accessible to understand without a doubt that the interlocutor will refuse.
3. Disrespect for the arguments for refusal. All possible opponent attempts for refusal are not perceived by asking as significant causes.
4. Irony. Sassoon pretends that he did not perceive seriously, he does not hear or does not understand that the interlocutor wants to say "no".
5. Resentment. The arguments given for refusal are perceived as an explicit goal for resentment and put in a conversation ultimatically as a possible reason for this.
6. Flying. Singing intentionally and clearly praises the opponent to back up and arouse agreement.
7. Telling. The arguments for reference to truth, but that suits this does not recognize.
8. Forced. The phrases of the seeming, which are obviously designed to influence the impossibility of the failure of the interlocutor.
9. Choice. Sovirling offers its own solutions to his problem with an encroachment on the personal interests of the interlocutor or his connections, but without an alternative to the refusal.

How to learn to refuse?

There are several of the most common methods of correct refusal to a request that help politely say "no", raise your self-esteem and cause respect in the eyes of others.

Think first about yourself

The first rule for the right refusal is thoughts about yourself as a full-fledged person who does not need someone else's assessment. It is necessary to understand that you for yourself the best friend and your interests should be in the first place. After all, if you do not appreciate yourself and your time and work, then the rest will begin to use your inability to failure.
Before giving your consent, appreciate whether it is convenient for you, and if not, then you do not use the interlocutor with an excessive benefit. Your refusal will not be top of egoism and will not cause doclases of conscience if you understand what you do in favor of our personal interests. A real friend will understand and will not be offended, but only begins to respect your personal time, the offence will show only what they used.

Pause

If you really do not want to refuse a person, but to fulfill the request you are difficult for the reasons that do not depend on you, do not respond immediately. Tell me that you can not immediately give an answer, and when you get the necessary temporary deferment, you can soberly assess the situation and compare everything and against consent or refusal. Take a pause especially appropriate when a person suddenly asks for help, and you just do not know what to answer.
If you were caught by surprise asking, then you should not answer rashly and then regret the decision taken. Psychologists advise you to analyze our interests and real opportunities, as well as the pros and cons of consent. If you have decided to refuse, then you will have time to survive the flour conscience and politely give to understand that you cannot provide this service.

Compensation

All people to some extent are selfish, but another thing, if the egoism is "unhealthy" and the provision of services does not imply equivalent gratitude in humans. For example, at work, the head asks you to recycle or fulfill the task that is not included in the main responsibilities. If such requests are repeated constantly and free, then it is worth thinking whether you should agree.
In any team, with normal communication and healthy mutual assistance, others must respond to assistance. However, it should not be allowed to use yourself without getting anything in return. Your interlocutor should clearly understand that you help to the detriment of your interests and do it only on mutually beneficial conditions, which is the norm for any society.

Forced purchases

Many people, coming to the store, are easily amenable to marketing tricks and instead of the standard volume of products buy a lot of goods far from essential. First of all, it is worth clearly understood that all tempting shares and suggestions are designed to earn money, and not your personal benefit. Therefore, going for shopping, make a list of the necessary and follow it, but do not agree to unforeseen acquisitions.
Boldly refuse to make you sellers, if you were not going to acquire the proposed product. Its "No, thanks" you do not offend a person, because he just performs his work. The buyer has the full right to refuse, since no one else has the right to spend his personal funds.

Express personal feelings

In order to understand you correctly understood and accepted the refusal adequately, tell him about his feelings. For example, if you can not fulfill the request that does not depend on your desire, then you will inform the interlocutor to have an idea of \u200b\u200byour opportunities. Say that you sincerely regret, but you can not help, as some mistakenly assume that you should not have anything such a service.
If the petitioner begins to manipulate your relatives or friendly feelings, tell you about your problems, tell him about his own. After all, the percentage of failures for each person is approximately the same and you are not responsible for the troubles of the other. If you yourself do not ask for help, then it should not even help even from the best feelings and not to go on persuasion, a real friend will understand, will appreciate your personal time, money or strength and will take refusal calmly.

Alternative

If you just don't want to provide a service, it is not necessary to invent the reason for the failure or justify. You can simply say "no" without excuse, since you have the full right to it. In addition to the simple failure, offer the interlocutor an alternative solution or useful advice that you will be able to fulfill that you will not make it difficult.

Confidence

If you decide to respond with refusal, then confidently stand on your own and do not change the decision under any circumstances. Some people can use the gullibility and kindness and put pressure on pity, without bending even false information to get their own. If you really do not want to change the decision, then confidently defend your position. Despite everything, since the interlocutor can press on you, feeling your hesitation.
In order to learn to refuse, start training to say "no" before the mirror confidently, without fear, shame or anger. In everyday situations, try to be slightly selfish and able to refuse trifles, so you are aware that there is nothing reprehensible in the refusal. Subsequently, such training will help you bring the word "no" in situations that you are unpleasant.

When to say "yes"?

If you are aware that your consent does not harm your personal interests, but only positive emotions will bring, then agree to the request for the feeling of emotional comfort. At the same time, your opponent does not force you to agree, and you realize that the refusal will make you feel anxiety. If you do not lose anything with such a service and do not sacrifice yourself for the other, then such assistance will help you improve relationships.
You can also give your consent, provided that the service will lead to any benefit for you personally. The service provided may assume new perspectives for you at the same time do not forcing you to do the impossible. If consent enlisions you feel or you know that such assistance will be mutually beneficial, then safely assist the service.
To make the right decision, it is necessary to understand that other people's selfishness, problems, prejudices and expectations imposed on you are not included in your duties. Regardless of your relationship with others, you have your own personal life and freedom of choice that you have the right to dispose on our own. It is impossible to please all constantly without prejudice to your personality.
It is important to know that when you memorize you, who comes unlikely to add all cases to your track record when you assisted. Undetyability most often remains without respect for others and instills great insecurity in you, which entails a slight manipulation. And the manipulators want to give advice to be above the humiliating requests and try not to shift the responsibility on others, but to solve problems independently and listen to the wise quotation of the great writer Mikhail Bulgakov from his legendary work "Master and Margarita": "Never ask for nothing! Never and nothing, and especially those who are stronger than you. They will offer themselves and will give everything. "

Video tips for refusal

The main methods of polite and tactical "no" are set forth in the following video material: