How to learn to say no

To be a kind and responsive person is certainly commendable, but sometimes we help people simply because we cannot refuse. Fear of resentment and tightness in relations makes us go to our own sacrifices to the detriment of ourselves.

Surely you noticed behind yourself or your loved ones strange inexplicable behavior in some situations. A person agrees to your request, and then dodes in a lie, so as not to make the promised. This happens because many people cannot say “no” clearly and clearly without a sense of shame, it is much easier for them to apologize and say that they did not succeed, but they tried very hard.
If you are asked about something first of all, you think how a person close to you will react to your refusal and whether you refuse your request in response to your request. I do not want to be known as the ungrateful, and you are not concessions, even when such help is not at all like and is not included in your plans. As a result, your loved ones believe that you are not at all difficult to give in, because you agreed, and you, trying to hide dissatisfaction, only aggravate relationships and become irritable.

Causes of reliability

Inability to refuse can be caused by the following very common reasons:
1. Resentment and anger. In many cases, we cannot refuse due to the fact that people who are addressing help have the habit of being offended or angry if something does not go according to their rules.
2. Poor attitude. Before refusing, we always think about whether others will also love us if we do not follow them, because no one loves when they disagree with them.
3. Rudeness. Very often, people consider the refusal as a manifestation of rudeness and disrespect, so in order not to seem impolite, we agree to requests to the detriment of our desires.
4. A request in response to a request. Many people believe that if you once turned for help, now you simply have no right to refuse and are a kind of debtor for loved ones.
5. A sense of duty. In addition to the possibility of resentment, in case of refusal, we feel that we have acted incorrectly, as we should be responsive to the requests of people even to the detriment of their interests, so as not to pass through selfish.

The roots of the problem and the benefits of refusal

Psychologists say that all human problems in society are born from childhood. If you were not often praised in childhood, but on the contrary you were set as an example of others, then most likely the main reason for reliability is low self -esteem and a desire to hear the words of gratitude from loved ones and friends. However, a person who does not know how to say no to the detriment of himself does not cause respect for others.
If you cannot evaluate your time and interests, then no one else will respect you anymore, because it will be much more convenient to use the services of a person who wants to sacrifice himself. The more often you agree against your will, the more difficult it is to then refuse and force yourself to respect others. First of all, it must be understood that trouble -freeness does not lead to equivalent healthy relations, they will simply contact you if necessary.
A person needs to be modest selfish in relation to himself and understand when some requests hurt personal interests. Any help should be a kind of mutually beneficial in accordance with the scheme “I am to me to you”, which means healthy gratitude. If there is no such answer to your help, then you should revise your consent to the request that is expected.

Manipulators

All asking people can share two types - these are active and passive interlocutors. The first petitioners demand your consent and, if refusal, can accuse you or threaten you, and the latter try to beg and put pressure on a sense of pity and humanity. There are several basic techniques for effective manipulation with a request for consent:
1. Surprise. To cause excitement, shock and confuse the interlocutor so that he can forget about his interests.
2. Speed. Information and the essence of the problem are stated confidently, quickly and not entirely accessible to understanding without a doubt that the interlocutor will refuse.
3. Disrespect for the arguments for refusal. All possible attempts by the opponent for refusal are not perceived by asking as significant reasons.
4. Irony. The requester pretends that he does not take seriously, does not hear or does not understand that the interlocutor wants to say no.
5. Resentment. The arguments given for refusal are perceived as a clear goal for resentment and are set in a conversation ultimatically as a possible reason for this.
6. Flattery. A requesting to deliberately and clearly praises the opponent to appease and cause consent.
7. Death. The arguments for refusal are true, but the asking person does not recognize this.
8. Coercion. The phrases of the requester, which are obviously designed to exert influence for the impossibility of the interlocutor’s refusal.
9. Choice. The requester offers his options for solving his problem with an encroachment on the personal interests of the interlocutor or his connections, but without an alternative to refusal.

How to learn to refuse?

There are several of the most common methods of the correct refusal to the request that help politely say “no”, raise your self -esteem and arouse respect in the eyes of others.

Think about yourself first

The first rule for the correct refusal is the thought of himself as a full -fledged person who does not need someone else's assessment. You need to understand that you are the best friend for yourself and your interests should be in the first place. After all, if you do not appreciate yourself and your time and labors, then the rest will begin to use your inability to refuse.
Before giving your consent, evaluate whether it is convenient for you, and if not, if you use the interlocutor with excessive benefit. Your refusal will not be the height of egoism and will not cause reproaches of conscience if you understand that you are acting correctly for the sake of your personal interests. A true friend will understand and will not be offended, but only begin to respect your personal time, resentment will show only what you used.

Pause

If you really do not want to refuse a person, but it is difficult for you to fulfill a request for reasons beyond your control, then do not answer right away. Say that you can’t immediately give an answer, and when you get the necessary temporary delay, you can soberly assess the situation and compare all the pros and against consent or refusal. It is especially appropriate to take a pause when a person suddenly asks for help, but you simply do not know what to answer.
If you were taken by surprise with a request, then you should not respond recklessly and then regret the decision made. Psychologists advise analyzing their interests and real opportunities, as well as pros and cons of consent. If you have decided to refuse, then you will have time to survive the flour of conscience and politely make it clear to the requester that you cannot provide this service.

Compensation

All people are to some extent selfish, but another thing is if selfishness is “unhealthy” and the provision of services does not imply equal gratitude to a person. For example, at work, the boss asks you to process or complete a task that is not part of the main responsibilities. If such requests are repeated constantly and free of charge, then you should think about whether you should agree.
In any team, with normal communication and healthy mutual assistance, others must respond to assistance. However, one should not allow yourself, without receiving anything in return. Your interlocutor should clearly understand that you are helping to the detriment of your interests and do this only on mutually beneficial conditions, which is the norm for any society.

Forced purchases

Many people, coming to the store, are easily lend on marketing tricks and instead of the standard volume of products they buy a lot of goods not of first necessity. First of all, it is worth clearly understanding that all tempting promotions and proposals are designed for the purpose of earnings, and not your personal benefit. Therefore, when going to buy, make a list of the necessary and follow it, but do not agree to unforeseen acquisitions.
Feel free to refuse sellers luring you if you are not going to purchase the offered goods. You do not offend a person with your “no, thank you”, because he simply does his job. The buyer has every right to refuse, since no one else has the right to spend his personal funds.

Speak personal feelings

In order for the asking person to understand you correctly and accept the refusal adequately, tell him about your feelings. For example, if you cannot fulfill the request that it does not depend on your desire, then tell the interlocutor so that he has an idea of \u200b\u200byour capabilities. Tell me that you are sincerely regret, but cannot help, since some mistakenly suggest that you cost nothing to provide such a service.
If the petitioner begins to manipulate your related or friendly feelings, tell you about your problems, tell him about your own. After all, the percentage of failures for each person is approximately the same and you are not responsible for the troubles of the other. If you yourself do not ask for help, then all the more you should not help even from the best feelings and not go about the persuasion, a true friend will understand, appreciate your personal time, money or strength and will accept the refusal calmly.

Alternative

If you just do not want to provide a service, then it is not necessary to invent the reason for the refusal or make excuses. You can simply say “no” without justification, since you have every right to do so. In addition to a simple refusal, offer the interlocutor an alternative solution or useful advice that you will be able to fulfill, which will not complicate you.

Confidence

If you decide to respond with a refusal, then you confidently stand your own and do not change the decision under any circumstances. Some people can enjoy gullibility and kindness and put pressure on pity, not disdaining even false information in order to get their own. If you really do not want to change the decision, then confidently defend your position no matter what, since the interlocutor can put pressure on you by feeling your fluctuations.
In order to learn how to refuse, begin to train “no” in front of the mirror confidently, without fear, shame or anger. In everyday situations, try to be slightly selfish and be able to refuse the little things, so you realize that there is nothing reprehensible in the refusal. Subsequently, such training will help you bring to automatism the word “no” in situations that are unpleasant for you.

When to say yes ”?

If you realize that your consent will not harm your personal interests, but will bring only positive emotions, then agree to the request to feel emotional comfort. At the same time, your opponent does not force you to agree, but you realize that the refusal will force you to feel anxiety. If you do not lose anything with this service and do not sacrifice yourself for the sake of another, then such help will help you improve your relationship.
You can also give your consent, provided that the service will lead to any benefit for you personally. The service rendered can assume new prospects for you at the same time without forcing you to make the impossible. If consent promises you to benefit or you know that such assistance will be mutually beneficial, then feel free to provide a service.
To make the right decision, it is necessary to understand that other people's egoism, problems, prejudices and expectations assigned to you are not included in the circle of your duties. Regardless of your relationship with others, you have your own personal life and freedom of choice, which you have the right to manage yourself. It is impossible to please everyone constantly without prejudice to their personality.
It is important to know that when you remember you, the asking person is unlikely to add all cases to your track record when you helped. Rightness most often remains without respect for others and inspires great uncertainty in you, which entails a slight manipulation. And the manipulators want to give advice to be higher than humiliating requests and try not to shift responsibility to others, but to solve problems on their own and listen to the wise quote from the great writer Mikhail Bulgakov from his legendary work “Master and Margarita”: “Never ask for anything! Never nothing, and especially for those who are stronger than you. They themselves will offer and they themselves will give everything. ”

Video ties for refusal

The main methods of polite and tactful “no” are presented in the next video material: